The Test of the Strength of My Heart

This chapter of my life is about self-discovery, finding out things I’ve never known about myself before, getting to know myself better. This chapter concerns the test of the strength of my heart.

I didn’t go in search of this – it just presented itself to me. Because I was the most suitable around to take on this role but was not the most suitable person for something else. Anyway, that ship has sailed and sunk so I am accepting it that way else I’ll go insane.

Yesterday, when I felt the magnitude of your infatuation with the girl it felt like I was a dartboard being rained on by darts in succession. Across this three weeks coming to one month, I was hurt again, I cried hopelessly at feeling worthless again, I experienced losing you again, but the most enriching of all was the transition to being just a friend to you. Lover, to Friend.

So today I saw you. It was trepidation; it was nervousness. It was looking at your face again at that bus stop and trying to play it cool when in fact, I was aware of my nervousness and heart beat. It was noticing immediately you have lost a lot of weight, your thinner-near-gaunt face was unfamiliar yet the facial hair attracting me in its usual scruffy sexiness. It was sitting in small awkward silences, attempting small talk while watching familiar bus numbers go by but not being able to exactly remembering where it stops when I used to. Even sitting next to you in close proximity on the bus seemed strange.

It was hearing your voice in person again, walking down a familiar route slightly behind you while you were on the phone, deliberately trailing that familiar but already faint perfume scent that’s mingled with a hint of tobacco. It was walking pass that bus stop where I last hugged you good-bye. It was sitting at the coffee shop we once agreed to sit at to relax, only we did so today finally as friends.  You left behind your phone again and once again I rolled my eyes in annoyed affection at your carelessness. (It’s a wonder you haven’t lost it yet I swear.) It was also a nostalgic visit to the hair dresser’s where curious people have asked us separately on separate occasions where we were. And then it was us again at McD’s where I watched you blabber nonsense but I knew you were overwhelmed inside. I saw that tooth peek out from your grin but it was not a sincere expression from the heart.

“Don’t worry for me, Eliza,” you later said at the traffic light. No, I can’t stop doing that just yet.

Arriving in front of your place, saying good-bye. Feeling your arm around my shoulders at your thanks, shoving a stopper to feeling teary at a lost familiarity, touching that hand on my shoulder to assure and comfort you it will be okay. Did you feel the wave of nostalgia like I did? “Walk me to the end,” I said on a slight desperate impulse, “there, before the traffic light,” I pointed. “It’s a long lonely road, you know it.”

I tried to make you brave in our last few minutes together. You attempted smiles and jokes. We parted. I was shaken.

On the bus ride home, I thought to myself on the bus, that no matter how flawed you are and the mistakes you’ve made, I still love you, blemishes and all. I feel strangely happy that I do (is because I can still show you so in my actions?) but I cannot and will not force you to a corner, nor can or will I abandon you – not when my heart can still take it. There is a time for everything, and our time is up. For now, I will have to be happy being your friend and experience familiarity in a different way, feelings in my heart. On the bus, I realised seeing you again makes me feel what I feel every day – that  I have missed you. But more than usual yesterday, I felt strongly that I’ve missed the very presence of your being.

Hence I conclude : My journey of self-discovery the later part of this year is to love someone from afar. It is to accept what has passed, and make the best of what remains. It is to watch someone I love ‘love’ another, enduring pricks of pain while plastering a smile on my face. My heart will be broken but tempered over hardship and love, stretched, moulded and re-sculpted till I know its limits and size.

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You Have To Let Go Of The Things That Aren’t Meant For You

I’d do well to remember this. Couldn’t have put it better!

Thought Catalog

Walt Whitman wrote, “Re-examine all that you have been told, and dismiss what insults your soul.” Unfortunately for us, Whitman never left detailed instructions on exactly how to do this. And how do we really know the difference between the things that insult the soul, and the things that though difficult to practice, keep the soul firm, strong, and honest? It seems rather easy to dismiss anything that we find difficult to live by, or go through, under the guise that, “it is not meant for you.” But difficulties, uncomfortable situations, and the struggles we face, do more than give us grief and great stories – they temper the soul. And they make the spirit both humble and resilient.

Yet if you observe clearly – both others and yourself – you will find that people hold on tightly to things, especially onto beliefs that certain things are meant for them…

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17 Signs You Were Always Meant To Be A Writer

I know right?!

Thought Catalog

GIRLSGIRLS

1. Ever since you were young, you’ve been observing the people around you. Your parents and siblings were your first introduction into human behavior and you studied them as if they were in your home solely for you to understand why people do the things they do.

2. You started talking, reading, and, eventually, writing sooner than your older sibling did and/or other children your age. You have been interested in communicating since you were old enough to understand language.

3. You have always felt deeply misunderstood and like an outcast, simply because you have not viewed the world in the same way as everyone else has.

4. Your entire life could be summed up by this exact cycle: feel deeply, overanalyze the feeling, feel crazy about overanalyzation, feel deeply about the overanalyzation, overanalyze that feeling, and on and on and on.

5. People have said to you many…

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Midnight Ramblings & The tension between my brows

Hi. It’s me tonight, coming here because I have no where else to go to. (Or whine. Or talk to.) To be honest, I hate it that I only have things to write about my crappy heart. I am far more capable than that but it seems to be the only thing that inspires me to write now. BAH.

Truthfully, I am feeling tension between my brows and at my temples tonight. Because I know you’re with her (I say I do but truly I don’t. Paranoia at work.). Her who came “all the way” here “only to fuck” your head up. Thinking about it makes my head hurt because I don’t want any girl near you to cause a distraction from being a better person and reach your potential. Thinking about what you could be doing with her now hurts. And I wrestle with my feelings of jealousy and more hurt. More hurt. Because I was passed over for her. When I was first.

So much for sending a long text to help you face and manage your conflicted emotions and head. No response for close to 11 hours. You’re with her. I’m sure. She’s gonna sway you. The only reason why you’re conflicted is because you still hope for something. For all my selfish reasons and for your sake, I darn hope she fails badly.

Yet when you’re in a mess or need advice, I give them. Because I’m too nice, in love with you but more than these, we have a friendship. And I don’t want you to be unhappy. I want to protect you. I feel the source of your unhappiness as if I’m a know-it-all who knows best. I’ve decided I do and she isn’t the answer. I wish you can find your way alone. And a part of me wants to remain a friend if only just to hear your voice once in awhile and to laugh like we used to. Each time we laugh on the phone, I feel happy that’s not gone from my life. I worry I will be greedy and want more when you have nothing to give. Even if we speak no more, contact no more, I only want you to succeed.

Each contact with you leaves me vulnerable after. I have lost count the number of times I want to go to my mother and ask for a hug. And tell her I need encouragement. But I know I cannot. She will ask and probe. I cannot let her see me weak and my heart broken. I guess I can’t bear to be berated over someone who is not worth my tears. I am so broken and yet I want to give you friendship because I know how lonely you are. It is not my responsibility but I can’t abandon you when you need help.

Karma, you said.  I wish you’d suffer it because only that’s when you’d learn like I did.

Being heartbroken is strangely humbling. It makes you small and weak and vulnerable. I am humbled. Ever since you contacted me and caused waves in my heart again, I have sunk to my knees a few times to pray for you and me. Asking for an answer to what has been tormenting me but being forcefully shoved away for my own mental state, asking to be released from pain, and ultimately, wishing that you’d be happy and good will happen to you.

How much more will I sacrifice myself to save you? How much more can I handle? How much more must my heart be tested and stretched? Why won’t you look at me again? Why did you abandon me? Why did you? How could you?

Please, come to me for advice to make the right decision, the one I think is right. And execute it. Because I (think I) know what’s best.

I Conquered The Spiderweb

About forty-five minutes to an hour’s journey from where I live, stands what everyone calls The Spiderweb. It is located near the beach, in a park where families and kids play. I remember seeing it many times when I was kid but I never found the guts to scale it for it always raised above me like an unmoving giant that looms scarily over you. Little me was afraid to climb something so tall and huge.

Last weekend, I visited a chalet a stone’s throw from that park where my cousins’ family held a BBQ. We took a walk to the playground after dinner; cousins, cousins’ girlfriends and I. We were a party of 6 and our first stop was The Spiderweb.

When I arrived in front of the red giant pyramid, I scoffed in my head – “What? Look at you! So tiny now! I can climb this!” And climb I did. I discarded my slippers temporarily and joined my older male cousins who had a headstart. I maneuvered myself through the red ropes while raising my legs up (albeit a little awkwardly) onto higher ropes to pull myself higher and higher, eventually reaching the top and settling to sit at the peak, enjoying the night breeze and a sense of accomplishment. It felt great and I’m glad I decided to be a monkey that moment.

I remember thinking up there, I am a sad person but it feels good to have a sense of accomplishment. I feel better a little. Funny what seemed difficult at one point of time can be so easy to overcome at another.

Time diminishes the size of a problem. Or rather to put it accurately, a problem can be the same size as before. It is us who saw it insurmountable at one time, but as we grew, we became more equipped to deal with the it –  be it with longer limbs, lesser fear somehow or a stronger mentality. It is the relativity of what we had then and now that makes a difference to how surmountable an obstacle is.

So those who are facing difficulties now, be heartened and think of your future self – in time to come when Older You looks back at Younger You, you may realise your foolishness and your studpidity. And..what seemed like a mountain of a challenge in the past can very well be very, very surmountable in the present.

And if you find yourself in Sad Land, try accomplishing something, even something small is fine, so long as it is a form of encouragement and reminder to yourself that you are still able, capable and alive. Raise above the clouds and take a breather, and start your journey again. Not all is lost, not all is lost.