It’s been awhile

Hi.

I haven’t been writing because I didn’t feel like I can write anything. But since a new exciting chapter is starting soon I thought I’d better start documenting it.

I’ve been accepted to the University of Portsmouth to do my MA in Translation Studies. The thought is still daunting and I will be lying if I say I have no doubts. Me? Majoring in my third language? I can’t even speak my mother tongue without throwing in English words! I have a lot of doubts in my capability!! I still can’t read many kanji! Am I overestimating myself?  Living abroad has been a long ago dream I had, one that I gave up because my parents could not afford. It makes me feel proud of myself I’ve taken a bold, uncertain step onto an unfamiliar territory.

Owing to the spur of a very painful breakup last year, the emotional impact make me wonder deeply what I can do with my short life to make it fulfilling. My thoughts wondered to an under-developed, unexplored area I’ve always had interest it. And while now the throes of pain have subsided, I am very glad to know my interest preservered through and therefore, I know this is genuine. Even if I start off being a project coordinator, I’m sure my actual work experiences will come in handy and I will definitely be happier working in closer contact with languages.

The present  and alarming concern right now is the unrelenting, stubborn rise in pounds against SGD and this will severely impact the balance of school fees and VISA fees I have to fork out. This means lesser leeway to living expenses and this is worrying indeed. Recently however, I’ve been indulging in buying items disguised as ‘needs for UK’ or ‘needs for school’. My very recent expenditure is on a pair of disstressed One Teaspoon Freebird Jeans. I REALLY want a Freebird styled jeans and that thought occupied my mind the whole day I was unproductive. After I completed my purchase however, I found myself feeling so guilty I’ve decided no more unnecessary purchases for me!

It is 9.25pm now and I am happy to be home. I will go read my Rogue (by Julie Kagawa) now over some chinese tea.

Ta!

The Pregnant Lady

This morning I managed to get a seat on the train but it was a reserved seat for the needy. It always had not mattered to me that I sit there as I will gladly give it up when there’s someone who needs it. So I eagerly switched on my Kindle to continue Josie and Jake’s story because I was DYING to finish it to start Transcendence (love story of a Neanderthal and time-travelled modern woman – now tell me you’re not excited). When I looked up as the train stopped at a station, a caucasian lady waved her right arm to catch my attention. “Excuse me, can I seat?” she asked. I looked at her, noticing her slender build and short hair and also… bulging pregnant tummy. I was mortified. Promptly jumped off my seat. “I’m so sorry!” I apologised with a very sincere, sheepish face. Here’s what surprised me; very sincerely as well, and I’m sure, she beamed brightly at me replying, ”It’s okay!” As she settled down, I said again, ”So sorry ‘bout that.” “It’s okay!” she assured. I returned to my book thinking how genuine she looked, but soon noticed the lady had also whipped out her book. I smiled inwardly to myself. She is a reader! I thought. Could it be she saw how absorbed I was that she wasn’t angry I kinda usurped the seat rightfully reserved for people like her because she being one, understands a bookworm? I alighted the train thinking how this lady impacted my life. I have always strived to learn from the good of others and treat others with as much sincerity as I can muster. Thus, the next time I find myself heavily pregnant on the train, instead of glaring menacingly at the seat usurper, I shall open my mouth to ask for it and be kind and gracious if the person was unintentionally not seeing me.

Sometimes when you’re running to a safe harbour your thoughts get directed to the harbour that makes you feel safe but hurt you the most.  When that is the case, familiarity isn’t your answer.

In any case, since your absurd texts to me two weeks ago I’ve heard nothing. I regret not responding but you weren’t making any sense anyway.

I miss you, the one familiar but a stranger. Sharply, tonight, I miss you.

Gladly failed this test

Today was a bigger test. I felt my patience being tested. I felt jealousy and anger. There you were, talking to her like a lovestruck fool in front of me while I was queuing up for the beer you’d say you’d get. I felt each hurt acutely. Bought the beer but you were still at it. So I left with my open can in hand, presence unwanted and forgotten, carrying my aching heart. I took a taxi with a stranger who was heading the same direction. I asked him about his job, half-filtering what he said but trying to keep up an intelligent conversation.

I am even now, ‘Sin Lim’ on your phone.

It is 12.38am. Took you more than an hour to realise my disappearance.

Good job.

Today is a test I’d gladly fail. Good night.

The Test of the Strength of My Heart

This chapter of my life is about self-discovery, finding out things I’ve never known about myself before, getting to know myself better. This chapter concerns the test of the strength of my heart.

I didn’t go in search of this – it just presented itself to me. Because I was the most suitable around to take on this role but was not the most suitable person for something else. Anyway, that ship has sailed and sunk so I am accepting it that way else I’ll go insane.

Yesterday, when I felt the magnitude of your infatuation with the girl it felt like I was a dartboard being rained on by darts in succession. Across this three weeks coming to one month, I was hurt again, I cried hopelessly at feeling worthless again, I experienced losing you again, but the most enriching of all was the transition to being just a friend to you. Lover, to Friend.

So today I saw you. It was trepidation; it was nervousness. It was looking at your face again at that bus stop and trying to play it cool when in fact, I was aware of my nervousness and heart beat. It was noticing immediately you have lost a lot of weight, your thinner-near-gaunt face was unfamiliar yet the facial hair attracting me in its usual scruffy sexiness. It was sitting in small awkward silences, attempting small talk while watching familiar bus numbers go by but not being able to exactly remembering where it stops when I used to. Even sitting next to you in close proximity on the bus seemed strange.

It was hearing your voice in person again, walking down a familiar route slightly behind you while you were on the phone, deliberately trailing that familiar but already faint perfume scent that’s mingled with a hint of tobacco. It was walking pass that bus stop where I last hugged you good-bye. It was sitting at the coffee shop we once agreed to sit at to relax, only we did so today finally as friends.  You left behind your phone again and once again I rolled my eyes in annoyed affection at your carelessness. (It’s a wonder you haven’t lost it yet I swear.) It was also a nostalgic visit to the hair dresser’s where curious people have asked us separately on separate occasions where we were. And then it was us again at McD’s where I watched you blabber nonsense but I knew you were overwhelmed inside. I saw that tooth peek out from your grin but it was not a sincere expression from the heart.

“Don’t worry for me, Eliza,” you later said at the traffic light. No, I can’t stop doing that just yet.

Arriving in front of your place, saying good-bye. Feeling your arm around my shoulders at your thanks, shoving a stopper to feeling teary at a lost familiarity, touching that hand on my shoulder to assure and comfort you it will be okay. Did you feel the wave of nostalgia like I did? “Walk me to the end,” I said on a slight desperate impulse, “there, before the traffic light,” I pointed. “It’s a long lonely road, you know it.”

I tried to make you brave in our last few minutes together. You attempted smiles and jokes. We parted. I was shaken.

On the bus ride home, I thought to myself on the bus, that no matter how flawed you are and the mistakes you’ve made, I still love you, blemishes and all. I feel strangely happy that I do (is because I can still show you so in my actions?) but I cannot and will not force you to a corner, nor can or will I abandon you – not when my heart can still take it. There is a time for everything, and our time is up. For now, I will have to be happy being your friend and experience familiarity in a different way, feelings in my heart. On the bus, I realised seeing you again makes me feel what I feel every day – that  I have missed you. But more than usual yesterday, I felt strongly that I’ve missed the very presence of your being.

Hence I conclude : My journey of self-discovery the later part of this year is to love someone from afar. It is to accept what has passed, and make the best of what remains. It is to watch someone I love ‘love’ another, enduring pricks of pain while plastering a smile on my face. My heart will be broken but tempered over hardship and love, stretched, moulded and re-sculpted till I know its limits and size.

You Have To Let Go Of The Things That Aren’t Meant For You

I’d do well to remember this. Couldn’t have put it better!

Thought Catalog

Walt Whitman wrote, “Re-examine all that you have been told, and dismiss what insults your soul.” Unfortunately for us, Whitman never left detailed instructions on exactly how to do this. And how do we really know the difference between the things that insult the soul, and the things that though difficult to practice, keep the soul firm, strong, and honest? It seems rather easy to dismiss anything that we find difficult to live by, or go through, under the guise that, “it is not meant for you.” But difficulties, uncomfortable situations, and the struggles we face, do more than give us grief and great stories – they temper the soul. And they make the spirit both humble and resilient.

Yet if you observe clearly – both others and yourself – you will find that people hold on tightly to things, especially onto beliefs that certain things are meant for them…

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17 Signs You Were Always Meant To Be A Writer

I know right?!

Thought Catalog

GIRLSGIRLS

1. Ever since you were young, you’ve been observing the people around you. Your parents and siblings were your first introduction into human behavior and you studied them as if they were in your home solely for you to understand why people do the things they do.

2. You started talking, reading, and, eventually, writing sooner than your older sibling did and/or other children your age. You have been interested in communicating since you were old enough to understand language.

3. You have always felt deeply misunderstood and like an outcast, simply because you have not viewed the world in the same way as everyone else has.

4. Your entire life could be summed up by this exact cycle: feel deeply, overanalyze the feeling, feel crazy about overanalyzation, feel deeply about the overanalyzation, overanalyze that feeling, and on and on and on.

5. People have said to you many…

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